Saturday, April 13, 2013

Sometimes, I Really Hate People...

I have 2 facebooks. For one specific reason. I don't want to offend my family with some of the stuff I post. Because I have different world views than them.

And I have this blog. Where I write when I'm incredibly pissed, or struggling with my depression, or happy, or just feel like writing.

I'm writing this because people who haven't been in my life for almost 6 months feel they need to tell my dad about my blog, that I'm not afraid about him knowing about. Dude knows I have a blog. I'm not writing shit he can't read. I mean, you google my name, and it pops up. We already have a rocky relationship, and that's partially my fault, cause I haven't always been the best daughter. Why would I go out of my way to further the problems we have had? If I have something to say to him, I say it, to HIM.

Sure, we've had points in time where I've been hurt by him, and he's been hurt by me, but he RAISED me. He's my daddy. I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes constantly. But I'm trying to fix that shit.

And with as bad as my depression has been getting, the last thing I need is people causing us to have problems again. I love that man to death. He may not be the best at showing emotion, but I know he loves me too. And I'm tired of people trying to butt in and make things harder than they already are.

It hurts me that people are going out of their way to make me out to be this spiteful bitch towards him, because he's always been a big part of my life, and the older I get, our relationship gets more distant. I don't need people making it worse, by trying to put their two cents in. You people don't know me. You don't know what I post. You don't read my fucking blog, obviously, because you let him believe it's full of hatred. I don't think there's a single hateful word towards him in any of my posts. So, mind your own damn business, and stop trying to make my life harder than it already is.

I struggle on a daily basis. Just getting myself out of bed is a chore. All I wanna do is sit at home, and cry most days. But I force myself out of bed, and I force myself to leave the apartment and to see people. I force myself to go out and do applications for jobs. I have to distract myself from some really fucked up thoughts. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal to most people, but I have to force myself to even look in a mirror and say nice things about myself. I have emotional and sometimes even mental issues I'm trying to work through. I tell myself I'm worthy of everything I want in life, but I can't make myself believe it, when I see my dad, and I'm legitimately excited to talk to him, but he seems distant because some asshole is telling him I'm saying not nice things about him, in a blog that they know absolutely nothing about.

As stupid as it sounds, I just want him to approve of something I'm doing with my life. But I actually have to accomplish something so he can. And with people shit talking about me, without even knowing the first thing about me, I can't help but hate myself. Because at one point in my life, I was a spiteful little bitch, and I did try to pawn all my problems off as his fault. But they were never his fault, they were my own fault. He's never been the cause of my problems. They've all been my fault. It may have taken me a while to figure that out, but I figured it out, and stopped trying to blame him or anyone else for things I caused.

So, please, for the love of Gandhi, stop trying to ruin our relationship! I did enough of that on my own. I don't need you adding fuel to that fire, while I'm trying to put it out...

No comments:

Post a Comment