Thursday, May 16, 2013

Working hard, or hardly working...

I got a job, and I absolutely LOVE it :D

I go to this factory, and sort through books for 5 hours a day, Monday through Friday. If I do well enough, they'll likely give me more hours here and there. So, seeing as I made quota today, and plan to do so on a regular basis, I may have some 10 hour days, which is awesome, cause I love what I do :)

I don't have to talk to people. I don't even really have to deal with people. Just books. My quota is 800 books in a 5 hour period. And I got to 828 today, which is awesome as all hell xD

Well, now that I'm in an amazing mood, I'm gonna get my butt to bed, so I can wake up for another amazing day of work :) 10:30 am is probably my favorite time in the world, cause it means it's time to wake up and go to a job, which I'm in absolute love with :D

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Sometimes, I Really Hate People...

I have 2 facebooks. For one specific reason. I don't want to offend my family with some of the stuff I post. Because I have different world views than them.

And I have this blog. Where I write when I'm incredibly pissed, or struggling with my depression, or happy, or just feel like writing.

I'm writing this because people who haven't been in my life for almost 6 months feel they need to tell my dad about my blog, that I'm not afraid about him knowing about. Dude knows I have a blog. I'm not writing shit he can't read. I mean, you google my name, and it pops up. We already have a rocky relationship, and that's partially my fault, cause I haven't always been the best daughter. Why would I go out of my way to further the problems we have had? If I have something to say to him, I say it, to HIM.

Sure, we've had points in time where I've been hurt by him, and he's been hurt by me, but he RAISED me. He's my daddy. I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes constantly. But I'm trying to fix that shit.

And with as bad as my depression has been getting, the last thing I need is people causing us to have problems again. I love that man to death. He may not be the best at showing emotion, but I know he loves me too. And I'm tired of people trying to butt in and make things harder than they already are.

It hurts me that people are going out of their way to make me out to be this spiteful bitch towards him, because he's always been a big part of my life, and the older I get, our relationship gets more distant. I don't need people making it worse, by trying to put their two cents in. You people don't know me. You don't know what I post. You don't read my fucking blog, obviously, because you let him believe it's full of hatred. I don't think there's a single hateful word towards him in any of my posts. So, mind your own damn business, and stop trying to make my life harder than it already is.

I struggle on a daily basis. Just getting myself out of bed is a chore. All I wanna do is sit at home, and cry most days. But I force myself out of bed, and I force myself to leave the apartment and to see people. I force myself to go out and do applications for jobs. I have to distract myself from some really fucked up thoughts. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal to most people, but I have to force myself to even look in a mirror and say nice things about myself. I have emotional and sometimes even mental issues I'm trying to work through. I tell myself I'm worthy of everything I want in life, but I can't make myself believe it, when I see my dad, and I'm legitimately excited to talk to him, but he seems distant because some asshole is telling him I'm saying not nice things about him, in a blog that they know absolutely nothing about.

As stupid as it sounds, I just want him to approve of something I'm doing with my life. But I actually have to accomplish something so he can. And with people shit talking about me, without even knowing the first thing about me, I can't help but hate myself. Because at one point in my life, I was a spiteful little bitch, and I did try to pawn all my problems off as his fault. But they were never his fault, they were my own fault. He's never been the cause of my problems. They've all been my fault. It may have taken me a while to figure that out, but I figured it out, and stopped trying to blame him or anyone else for things I caused.

So, please, for the love of Gandhi, stop trying to ruin our relationship! I did enough of that on my own. I don't need you adding fuel to that fire, while I'm trying to put it out...

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Steubenville, Ohio RAPE

     I know it's been a while, but I need to rant, and this whole situation is completely FUCKED UP!!!

I'm so very happy that we live in a society where it's apparently COMPLETELY fine to stand around and watch as a highly intoxicated and UNCONSCIOUS girl is raped. Not only is that okay, but it's apparently okay that the kids that stood around and WATCHED her get raped, took pictures, and videos of it happening and POSTED them online. They also felt the need to tweet and post about it ALL over the internet. And to top all that off, the mainstream media is making the boys who raped her out to be the real victims because they've been sentenced to ONE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR in Juvenile Hall, and they have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives. Oh and don't forget, they won't be allowed to play football in college....

BOO FUCKING HOO! These boys deserve a LOT worse than a measly year in Juvie, and having to register as sex offenders. I honestly think they should be in jail for life without parole. But noooo. These boys are VICTIMS. And the kids that stood around and watched, well they're just kids, and because they were drinking, they didn't realize that what was happening was wrong. FUCK THAT. Those assholes KNEW it was wrong, they just didn't give a flying fuck, because the girl was apparently a 'slut' to begin with. I'm sorry, but a person's lifestyle, and how they dress, does NOT in any way shape or form justify them being raped. She was so drunk, that she passed out, and these boys are just like, oh hey, let's fuck her, she can't say no, so it's consensual. NOOOOOOOOO! It's NOT CONSENSUAL! Unless she is aware of her surroundings and able to speak clearly, and can walk around without falling over, she CAN'T give consent. She either has to say, "yes, I wanna do this." Or be physically active in the situation, by her own free will. An unconscious person can't hold a conversation, so how they got that she wanted them to do that shit to her, is a complete miracle to me. Apparently, we can all have clear conversations after drinking so much that we pass the fuck out. I didn't even know that was fucking possible, but it apparently is. 

I just find it so fucking sad that we as a society see something like this happening and instead of doing the morally right thing, and stopping it, it's now ACCEPTABLE to egg it on, and make the girl who's being raped out to be the real bad guy in the whole situation. Yes, how dare she be unconscious and magically ask two boys to take advantage of her. How dare she wear a skirt to a party. She's a slut, she had it coming. Or she was asking for it. The people who have rationalized the fact that these boys RAPED her while she was unconscious, by somehow pinning the blame on her, are just so fucking ridiculous. Like how do you rationalize rape? Oh well it's okay, she was a slut. She puts out all the time anyways. What's one time while she has no idea this shit is happening to her gonna hurt? 

I WOULD give props to the boy who said they needed to stop, but I can't because as soon as he realized nobody was gonna have his back, he shut up and let it happen. This shit is unacceptable. Especially, since there are adults saying that the kids who were watching and the boys who were performing were consuming alcohol, they didn't know that what they were seeing/doing was wrong. BULL SHIT! I don't care what you think happens to their minds and morals when kids drink, they still understand that rape is wrong. They still know what's right and what's wrong in general. They just take a little longer to process it. Yet, for some reason, I just know that the kids that stood around watching and recording and snapping pictures, aren't gonna get any kind of punishment. And that's fucked up for two reasons. 1. THEY WITNESSED A RAPE AND DIDN'T TRY TO HELP HER.  And 2. In Ohio, it's against the law to fail to report a crime, if you witness it. Posting videos and pictures online for millions of people to see, is NOT reporting the crime. Reporting the crime is calling the police and telling them what's going on. And the boys who raped her, they KNEW what they were doing was sick and twisted, and just fucking WRONG, they just didn't give a fuck. 

I really thought that society was better than this. We all know rapists are not good people, so why the fuck should I feel bad for these boys? They're scum. They went out of their way to ruin a girl's life. And that's exactly what they've done. They've scarred her for life, and she's probably gonna need a shit ton of therapy just for being raped. Gandhi only knows what the being treated like this was all her fault is gonna do to her. Honestly, my biggest worry at this point, is her well-being. I know she has to be going through a LOT of emotional and mental crap right now, and I hope and pray that she fights through it all, and is able to say she survived, because I know a LOT of people would decide to end their lives the second they not only found out they were raped (Because she was unconscious and had NO idea it happened), but they also are apparently to blame for two assholes taking advantage of her. 

I have no fucking hope for humanity at this point, at all. This is bullshit, those boys should be put away for a hell of a lot longer, AND the kids who stood around and watched and did nothing to save her, should be put away for at LEAST 3 years, just because they were heartless bastards who didn't do a FUCKING thing to help a girl who was physically unable to help herself...

**** Also, I hate using the word bastard. I think it's rude and is probably one of my least favorite words in the world, but this just pisses me off to no end. I don't understand how people can be so fucking heartless, and just CRUEL. GAHHH FUUUUUCKKKK!