It's been forever...

I realize it's been a year and like 2 months since I've updated this thing. In that year a LOT has happened...

I got a new job, as a maid. It's nowhere near as easy as I thought it would be, but, it's also not terribly complex. I love it, to an extent, but I know I don't wanna clean for the rest of my life. 

I got a kitty. His name is Dimetri, and he's all black with 2 cute white spots. He keeps me sane. Nights like tonight, he keeps me company when I'm sleeping alone, and it's so nice to have something that fully relies on me to provide for it. Also, he's cute and fuzzy, and a cat, sooooo win.

I'm working on my depression. I'vs gotten to the point where I don't sleep all day on weekends, and I don't cry all the time. I give a lot of the credit for that to Metri, and Danny. They keep me pretty balanced. It's amazing what constant contact with the ones you love can do. 

Finally, a few people seem to believe that I go out of my way to be in their business. When really, they openly tell me what's going on, without my probing. Then, if it's a secret, and it gets out, I'm automatically thought to be the one that let it be known to the world. I find it amusing, cause unless this happens, I just keep my mouth shut. I don't need extra drama. I've got my own crap to deal with, so asking me to flat out lie, will only work, until you accuse me of not lying for you. Honestly,  I hate lying. I hate being lied to, so why should I go out of my way to lie, after you accuse me of "telling on you"? Like, it's never truly my place to say anything anyways, but yeah, I guess I'll be a bitch if you're gonna treat me like that, and actually confirm that the truth is in fact true, when asked. I'm not someone who goes around looking for drama, I literally have maybe 5 friends, who I actually consider true friends and talk to on a daily basis. Other than that I maybe talk to a few other people, on occassion. But I don't trust them with anything, and I don't go out of my way to find out what's wrong with any of them. I guess you could say, I've learned a lesson, and that lesson is that I shouldn't promise to keep secrets. And I won't anymore. I'm not Gretchen Wilson. My hair is not so big because it's full of secrets, it's just naturally terrible lol. 

And with that, I end this post. Goodnight blogosphere. I'll try to write more in the near future ♡

Working hard, or hardly working...

I got a job, and I absolutely LOVE it :D

I go to this factory, and sort through books for 5 hours a day, Monday through Friday. If I do well enough, they'll likely give me more hours here and there. So, seeing as I made quota today, and plan to do so on a regular basis, I may have some 10 hour days, which is awesome, cause I love what I do :)

I don't have to talk to people. I don't even really have to deal with people. Just books. My quota is 800 books in a 5 hour period. And I got to 828 today, which is awesome as all hell xD

Well, now that I'm in an amazing mood, I'm gonna get my butt to bed, so I can wake up for another amazing day of work :) 10:30 am is probably my favorite time in the world, cause it means it's time to wake up and go to a job, which I'm in absolute love with :D

Sometimes, I Really Hate People...

I have 2 facebooks. For one specific reason. I don't want to offend my family with some of the stuff I post. Because I have different world views than them.

And I have this blog. Where I write when I'm incredibly pissed, or struggling with my depression, or happy, or just feel like writing.

I'm writing this because people who haven't been in my life for almost 6 months feel they need to tell my dad about my blog, that I'm not afraid about him knowing about. Dude knows I have a blog. I'm not writing shit he can't read. I mean, you google my name, and it pops up. We already have a rocky relationship, and that's partially my fault, cause I haven't always been the best daughter. Why would I go out of my way to further the problems we have had? If I have something to say to him, I say it, to HIM.

Sure, we've had points in time where I've been hurt by him, and he's been hurt by me, but he RAISED me. He's my daddy. I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes constantly. But I'm trying to fix that shit.

And with as bad as my depression has been getting, the last thing I need is people causing us to have problems again. I love that man to death. He may not be the best at showing emotion, but I know he loves me too. And I'm tired of people trying to butt in and make things harder than they already are.

It hurts me that people are going out of their way to make me out to be this spiteful bitch towards him, because he's always been a big part of my life, and the older I get, our relationship gets more distant. I don't need people making it worse, by trying to put their two cents in. You people don't know me. You don't know what I post. You don't read my fucking blog, obviously, because you let him believe it's full of hatred. I don't think there's a single hateful word towards him in any of my posts. So, mind your own damn business, and stop trying to make my life harder than it already is.

I struggle on a daily basis. Just getting myself out of bed is a chore. All I wanna do is sit at home, and cry most days. But I force myself out of bed, and I force myself to leave the apartment and to see people. I force myself to go out and do applications for jobs. I have to distract myself from some really fucked up thoughts. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal to most people, but I have to force myself to even look in a mirror and say nice things about myself. I have emotional and sometimes even mental issues I'm trying to work through. I tell myself I'm worthy of everything I want in life, but I can't make myself believe it, when I see my dad, and I'm legitimately excited to talk to him, but he seems distant because some asshole is telling him I'm saying not nice things about him, in a blog that they know absolutely nothing about.

As stupid as it sounds, I just want him to approve of something I'm doing with my life. But I actually have to accomplish something so he can. And with people shit talking about me, without even knowing the first thing about me, I can't help but hate myself. Because at one point in my life, I was a spiteful little bitch, and I did try to pawn all my problems off as his fault. But they were never his fault, they were my own fault. He's never been the cause of my problems. They've all been my fault. It may have taken me a while to figure that out, but I figured it out, and stopped trying to blame him or anyone else for things I caused.

So, please, for the love of Gandhi, stop trying to ruin our relationship! I did enough of that on my own. I don't need you adding fuel to that fire, while I'm trying to put it out...

Steubenville, Ohio RAPE

     I know it's been a while, but I need to rant, and this whole situation is completely FUCKED UP!!!

I'm so very happy that we live in a society where it's apparently COMPLETELY fine to stand around and watch as a highly intoxicated and UNCONSCIOUS girl is raped. Not only is that okay, but it's apparently okay that the kids that stood around and WATCHED her get raped, took pictures, and videos of it happening and POSTED them online. They also felt the need to tweet and post about it ALL over the internet. And to top all that off, the mainstream media is making the boys who raped her out to be the real victims because they've been sentenced to ONE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR in Juvenile Hall, and they have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives. Oh and don't forget, they won't be allowed to play football in college....


BOO FUCKING HOO! These boys deserve a LOT worse than a measly year in Juvie, and having to register as sex offenders. I honestly think they should be in jail for life without parole. But noooo. These boys are VICTIMS. And the kids that stood around and watched, well they're just kids, and because they were drinking, they didn't realize that what was happening was wrong. FUCK THAT. Those assholes KNEW it was wrong, they just didn't give a flying fuck, because the girl was apparently a 'slut' to begin with. I'm sorry, but a person's lifestyle, and how they dress, does NOT in any way shape or form justify them being raped. She was so drunk, that she passed out, and these boys are just like, oh hey, let's fuck her, she can't say no, so it's consensual. NOOOOOOOOO! It's NOT CONSENSUAL! Unless she is aware of her surroundings and able to speak clearly, and can walk around without falling over, she CAN'T give consent. She either has to say, "yes, I wanna do this." Or be physically active in the situation, by her own free will. An unconscious person can't hold a conversation, so how they got that she wanted them to do that shit to her, is a complete miracle to me. Apparently, we can all have clear conversations after drinking so much that we pass the fuck out. I didn't even know that was fucking possible, but it apparently is. 

I just find it so fucking sad that we as a society see something like this happening and instead of doing the morally right thing, and stopping it, it's now ACCEPTABLE to egg it on, and make the girl who's being raped out to be the real bad guy in the whole situation. Yes, how dare she be unconscious and magically ask two boys to take advantage of her. How dare she wear a skirt to a party. She's a slut, she had it coming. Or she was asking for it. The people who have rationalized the fact that these boys RAPED her while she was unconscious, by somehow pinning the blame on her, are just so fucking ridiculous. Like how do you rationalize rape? Oh well it's okay, she was a slut. She puts out all the time anyways. What's one time while she has no idea this shit is happening to her gonna hurt? 

I WOULD give props to the boy who said they needed to stop, but I can't because as soon as he realized nobody was gonna have his back, he shut up and let it happen. This shit is unacceptable. Especially, since there are adults saying that the kids who were watching and the boys who were performing were consuming alcohol, they didn't know that what they were seeing/doing was wrong. BULL SHIT! I don't care what you think happens to their minds and morals when kids drink, they still understand that rape is wrong. They still know what's right and what's wrong in general. They just take a little longer to process it. Yet, for some reason, I just know that the kids that stood around watching and recording and snapping pictures, aren't gonna get any kind of punishment. And that's fucked up for two reasons. 1. THEY WITNESSED A RAPE AND DIDN'T TRY TO HELP HER.  And 2. In Ohio, it's against the law to fail to report a crime, if you witness it. Posting videos and pictures online for millions of people to see, is NOT reporting the crime. Reporting the crime is calling the police and telling them what's going on. And the boys who raped her, they KNEW what they were doing was sick and twisted, and just fucking WRONG, they just didn't give a fuck. 

I really thought that society was better than this. We all know rapists are not good people, so why the fuck should I feel bad for these boys? They're scum. They went out of their way to ruin a girl's life. And that's exactly what they've done. They've scarred her for life, and she's probably gonna need a shit ton of therapy just for being raped. Gandhi only knows what the being treated like this was all her fault is gonna do to her. Honestly, my biggest worry at this point, is her well-being. I know she has to be going through a LOT of emotional and mental crap right now, and I hope and pray that she fights through it all, and is able to say she survived, because I know a LOT of people would decide to end their lives the second they not only found out they were raped (Because she was unconscious and had NO idea it happened), but they also are apparently to blame for two assholes taking advantage of her. 

I have no fucking hope for humanity at this point, at all. This is bullshit, those boys should be put away for a hell of a lot longer, AND the kids who stood around and watched and did nothing to save her, should be put away for at LEAST 3 years, just because they were heartless bastards who didn't do a FUCKING thing to help a girl who was physically unable to help herself...

**** Also, I hate using the word bastard. I think it's rude and is probably one of my least favorite words in the world, but this just pisses me off to no end. I don't understand how people can be so fucking heartless, and just CRUEL. GAHHH FUUUUUCKKKK!

Amanda Todd?

         Am I the only one that doesn't see Amanda Todd as a slut deserving of death? I mean she was 13 when this all started. When people made her feel good about herself, and as a naive 13 year old, it can be expected that she would make the mistake of flashing people online. Especially since they were strangers, and she didn't think that they'd know where she lived, or what schools she would be attending. To think that somebody would blackmail her, wasn't even plausible to her. Why would she think such a thing would happen, when they were always so nice to her? 
Sure, millions of people commit suicide, because they are bullied, or are mad, but how many times do people commit suicide because they've been blackmailed to the point of getting harrassed at school for ONE mistake. She made that one mistake (flashing people online) and some asshole took it upon himself to send pictures of it to everyone she went to school with, and they treated her like shit, so she moved schools, and he somehow sent them to her new classmates as well. That's fucking insanity in and of itself, why would you continuosly ruin someone else's life? THEN this boy acts like he gives a damn about her, she finds out he has a girlfriend, and is heartbroken, so when he asks her to come hang out, she of course (having been rejected by everyone else in her schools) goes over thinking it'll be okay. Then he talks her into hooking up with him. Yes, it was a poor decision on her part, but he made her feel wanted, and to somebody who feels unwated, that means a LOT more than, "Oh he has a girlfriend." What's worse? He tells his girlfriend about it, and just sits back and watches as she gets the shit beat out of her, because she made TWO idiotic decisions. Not only that, but people told her they wish she'd just die already. 
I'm sorry if you fail to see why this is such a big issue, but the fact that kids who are barely 16 are wishing someone would die, egging them on in their suicidal thoughts and attempts, is just FUCKED UP! Why would you do that? What justifies that? And are all of you who have done the SAME damn things, really that much better than her? If she deserved to die, don't you think you deserve the same? You can't sit back and call her a slut, if she's had what? ONE known sexual partner, and a few instances of flashing strangers, and you've had countless sexual partners. She was also into drugs, whatever they may have been, which leads me to believe that she had so much trouble coping with the fact that everyone she knew hated her, that she just wanted an escape. 
If you fail to see why this one girl is getting so much attention, let me spell it out for you. She was pushed, by people her own fucking age to commit suicide. And quite frankly I applaud the fact that she put up with so much hate for 2 fucking years. Yes, some of us have been through worse, but over long periods of time, with a little rest in between instances. She became a recluse because she couldn't go to any school without being blackmailed by some creep who gets off by ruining young girl's lives. 
And another thing, do ANY of you know how fucking hard it is to go through with killing yourself? It takes a REALLY fucking strong person to be able to take their own life and be able to be okay with that. I personally struggle with suicidal thoughts and tendencies on a daily basis, and I can't even imagine the willpower she must have had, to take that final plunge into a painless existence. She was no coward. She was stronger than any of you will ever be, because she had the courage to say FUCK YOU ALL and just end her suffering for once and for all. I highly doubt that any of you could put up with what she endured. I know I couldn't. People get crueler and crueler EVERY year, and nobody does anything to help the kids that get the worst of it. Seriously, her principle offered her counseling, that's it. They didn't offer to suspend or even punish the kids doing this to her. They didn't offer any kind of refuge. They never do. The most a school will do is threaten to punish a student, and hope that a threat is good enough to get them to stop. I know, I've been there, they send you to the counselor's office once a week, and tell the kids that they're getting a warning this time, then they get another warning, and another one. They never actually get any kind of substantial punishment, because why do schools need to give a fuck about ONE student? They only care that the grades the students get average at a high enough level to keep their funding. 
Amanda Todd isn't the only one that the system forgot to give a damn about, but I certainly hope that teachers start reaching out to the students who don't seem to have anybody, because this NEEDS to stop. I personally don't like hearing that KIDS are egging on each other to commit self harm, or suicide. It's like a bad movie, that never ends. Suicide isn't a fucking joke, and if you've ever thought or attempted suicide, you'd know that. Those of you that HAVE thought about and HAVE attempted suicide, maybe even succeeded but were found just in time to be saved, you have NO room to talk down on her. She may be a slut in your eyes, but if you've tried to kill yourself, and say she deserved to die, you're a hypocrite, and maybe just maybe you shouldn't have survived your attempts. You're scum, and quite frankly, I can't believe I've ever associated with you people. 

The media

The media fills us with so much crap. It's a bully really... Think about it. They tell us that to be the ideal girl we have to be 20 pounds, have huge tits, and an ass that's the size of a peanut. Then they tell guys to be assholes, and that they have to be buff, and look like Zac Efron of Justin Beiber to get girls. It's crap. I don't know a single person who isn't beautiful or handsome in their own special way. Seriously, I don't. Nobody is ugly unless their personality is shit, and then that's not even physical, it's their social skills that suck.

I read 17 magazine, but only for the horoscope, real life stories, and the informative articles. It's the only magazine (that I've found) that tells girls they are beautiful no matter what size they are.

What lead me to sitting here to rant about this stupid shit? Facebook. Why? Because so many  of my friends post shit about wishing that they were better looking. Idgaf what you look like, if you're a nice person, and you don't act like you're the greatest person in the world, you're already beautiful or handsome. Sure some people are born with oddly 'perfect' bodies, but a lot of the time they're ugly on the inside. Which is where true beauty is found. So quit judging yourself. Find ways to make yourself feel beautiful without being unhealthy. I legit stand in front of my mirror naked and point out the things I love about my body. Focus on the good and the 'bad' will slowly dissipate. Just saying.

I shot a little girl today...

      I almost quit my job today, for various reasons, we will not talk about. I also almost beat my phone to a pulp, because I got annoyed at people texting and asking stupid shit. Like really? Why are you asking such retarded questions? For instance, Corey asked if I left him because there's another guy... REALLY? I would have mentioned that. I don't go around lying to people about stupid shit. Gandhi, what the hell. So I replied, "No, there isn't another guy. I think if there were, the entire world would know, because I don't exactly have a private life." No reply from him... So he either thinks I'm lying, or he just doesn't know how to respond. Either way, I'm annoyed. 


     I think the only time I haven't been annoyed all week, was last night. I chilled with Zach for a little, and then I hung out with his brother and some of his friends. It was entertaining... Now I'm waiting for 4:30 to get here so I can go to Brandy Boo's wedding reception... Should probably be getting ready for that haha...Merrr


Listening to little bird by shoe. Making me feel a little better. 


I feel like the old me is dead and gone, and there's this new, wild Dez, that's been waiting to come out and play. It's nice. I'm not doing this whole playing nice anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm gonna put all caution to the wind, and well I'm gonna live my fucking life. 




4:06- I'm ready to go, but I realize, that if I leave now, I'll have an entire hour of sitting in my car XD So, I'm waiting to go... The whole entire time I'm sitting here, my parents are saying "don't drink and drive." Like seriously. I'm 19. If I'm gonna drink, I'm not coming HOME, let alone anywhere that requires DRIVING. I'm not retarded. Merr. Plus, it's a wedding reception for two people who are about my age... I highly doubt there's going to be alcohol involved. but what evs. They're parents, they know EVERYTHING haha. well I guess I'll go cause people are already there merr XD